On a Limb with Claudia

Day Six - Self Kindness mini course

Day 6: Self-kindness mini-course
So, we've learned that we are angry with ourselves.

We know that our inner tyrannical voice is actually a small child that we integrated into ourselves when we were 3 years old.

We are practicing letting go/forgiving ourselves for the mistakes we make

We know that we do not see the world very clearly.

And we've learned some skills on how to deal with all of this inner mess.

HOW DOES ALL OF THIS GO TOGETHER?

Harvard psychologist Dan Gilbert, in "Stumbling on Happiness", says that we view the world based on our idea of what the world should look like.

It goes like this:
1. We don't see things very well.
2. The part of us that chooses our world view is a 3 year old part of us.
3. Because like draws like, once we've developed an idea of the world, we see only what we believe the world to be.

When you believe the world is filled with scary people, you only see scary people in the world. You will surround yourself with people who reinforce your views.

When you believe that you deserve the fortune you inherit, you will surround yourself with people who believe the same thing. Together, you will manifest your right to a massive fortune.

This is how we are made.

If you question this is how we are made, look at all those "ungrateful children." They are born into a situation. They only know that situation. How could they possibly be grateful for it? it's all they know.

Lindsi Simicich Dennis describes it like this: "When thinking about a particularly cringe-worthy memory or screw-up that comes to haunt me, I’ll ask myself what compelled me to do the stupid/immature/ignorant/irrational thing. What was missing? Was love there? Or power? Wisdom?"

This is a great example of a way to unearth these decisions made by our three year old self. (You can read the rest of her comment in Day 4.)

HOW DO WE CHANGE THESE THOUGHTS?
Three steps:
1. We must uncover what these thoughts. It's not as hard as you'd think because everyone who knows you is likely to know what they are.

If you're still clueless, it's time to read your journal or social media posts. What is the theme of your posts? Your inner beliefs are right there on display.

2. We must remove those thoughts from our psyche. This is where EFT and other power therapies (EMDR, Exposure therapy, etc.) are helpful. This work is powerful BUT use caution. You've believed these things forever. Be gentle with yourself as you shift them.

3. Only after we've removed the old thought can we add in new thoughts. I know a lot of people who believe we can practice a mantra and it will rewrite our thinking. It doesn't. It might work in the short term, but if you've ever tried to tell a three year old that they are wrong, you know exactly how this works.

What would you add in? This is a great time for mantras or ideas. You want to teach your inner-tyrant new things. Flooding him or her with ideas works well. If you're at a loss Louise Hays has an audiotape of "101 power thoughts" that's likely lingering in your library.

There is no better time to do this work than now. The world needs us to be open to new things. Very soon, we will be asked to come up with new solutions to old problems. We must let go of these old, rotten thoughts to move forward.

Good luck! I believe in you.

I'll be back tomorrow for one more lesson tomorrow!

Day Five: Mini-Selfkindness Course

Day Five: Self Kindness Mini-Course
Today's conversation is a little complicated. Settle in and lets see if we can make some sense of this.

WE ARE NOT VERY GOOD AT SEEING REALITY

Let's face it. We are capable of seeing in a very small band of light. In fact, many people estimate that we cannot see over 90% of matter. (This is called "Dark Matter.") This just a fact.

Can you accept that we can only see in a small band of light?

Police departments take thousands of photo graphs of crime scenes because investigators cannot see everything. Investigators spend hours looking at photos of what they could not see at the scene.

Can you accept that good, talented investigators use photographs to see what they cannot?

Here's the thing -- YOU ARE NOT SEEING YOURSELF CLEARLY.

We use memories, experiences, training, and social trends to make choices about ourselves and our future.

The problem is this -- our memories, experiences, training, and social trends are not reality.

SO WHAT?

This thing you beat yourself up about is likely not real or true. It's something you heard or thought or believed. Women who were thin hated themselves when Marilyn Monroe was popular, but when Twiggy was the rage, women who were more curvy loathed their curves.

When you look at yourself, you see how fat you are or stupid or crazy or needy or... fill in the blank.

What's your evidence?
Is it's true?
How do you know that it's true?
Are you sure?

These things you hold against yourself are not real.

THESE THINGS YOU HOLD AGAINST YOURSELF ARE NOT REAL.

Maybe, just maybe, you weren't seeing that situation correctly. Maybe you simply got it wrong.

(Breathe. Don't panic. You'll be okay. Just breathe.)

How can you be kind to a stinker such as yourself?

You are a whole complicated human being. You have some great attributes. You suck in some ways. You are human -- good, bad, stupid, smart. Being alive means being everything at the same time.

I ask -- how can you NOT be kind to your imperfect human self?

Day Four: Self Kindness Mini-Course

Day Four: Self Kindness Mini-Course
When I was twenty, I went to Northern Ireland where my family is from. It was in the middle of the troubles. I bumbled along there. As an American, it was hard to find real, true information about what was going on. I made mistakes.

At one point, I went to a bakery where I said something -- I'm not even sure what. Everyone in the bakery cleared out and this man appeared. He was terrifying. He told me to leave and not come back. He was not cruel or mean. Just firm -- and terrifying.

On my way back to the states, I learned that he was one of the big wigs in the PIRA, if not THE head of the PIRA.

For more than twenty years, this story brought me incredible shame. I was so naive, so stupid. How could I have been so stupid?? How could I have possibly so stupid? So humiliating.

I know that you have stories like this.

You misfired. Screwed up. You were awkward. Stupid even. You aren't even sure what you wanted but you bumbled into something and, while it didn't kill you, you make damn sure you remember that you did this thing.

We can spend a lot of time talking about shame but people like Brene Brown do this much better. She unwinds the entire process. If you haven't read her books, they are good.

We're here to feel better, to find what works, and to learn how to be kind to ourselves.

HOW CAN WE BEGIN TO FEEL BETTER?

The first thing to remember is that your brain is in a loop. It's not healing or growing from this experience. You need to stop.

Here are somethings that help:

1. Earlier this week, Lindsi Simicich Dennis shared that she says out loud "NO!" to stop her mind loops. This is a great time to use this technique. A hearty "NO" will stop your mind from unraveling.

2. What is the statue of limitations on that event? No really. Murderers get 25 to life. MURDERERS. There is no life sentence on being naive. There's no life sentence on any of the things you continually hold against yourself. Ask yourself -- how long have I going to held this against myself? Be honest. It's likely to be more than someone would be sentenced for murdering someone. Isn't it time to let that go?

3. Forgive yourself. Being human means we do a lot of stupid things. We try but we screw up a lot. Every single one of us messes up on a daily basis. It takes a little work, but the easiest way I've found to learn to forgive yourself is through Jack Kornfield's Forgiveness Meditation. You must first forgive yourself before you can start to forgive others.

We cannot be kind to ourselves while we continue to crucify ourselves for being human. Self kindness comes from embracing our humanity and realizing, as Maya Angelou said, "When you know better, you do better."

Day Three: Self Kindness Mini-Course

Day Three: Self Kindness Mini-Course

Today, we take a look at exactly who is the inner-tyrant living inside you. And why do we all have one, precious.

Around the age of three years old, we begin to internalize messages. Some people call this the birth of the "ego," but that's tricky because stuck up people have big egos, etc. To save confusion, I like to call this our inner-tyrant.

WE ALL HAVE THEM -- EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US.

So think about it -- what was going on in your family life when you were three years old? Feel free to ask your parents. This one factor will give you a clue into the personality of your inner-tyrant.

You see, your inner-tyrant is three years old. It cannot cook or work or tie its shoes. It cannot go to the market, have a conversation (that makes any sense), or live the life of an adult. It's three year old.

Before we get to why or what function your inner-tyrant is serving, it's important to ask -- how do you treat a three year old?

Boundaries. Kindness. Lots of love. Focus on the emotions; ignore the words. How would you treat a three year old?

Why do we have this creature inside, precious? To keep us safe. That's it.

What does your inner-tyrant do? S/he keeps you safe. That's it.

When your inner-tyrant goes off, you have done something your inner-tyrant thinks is dangerous.

WHAT'S THE BEST WAY TO DEAL WITH AN INNER TYRANT? How would you treat a three year old?

There's a lot of words that can fill up page after page here. But honestly, it's fairly simply.

Things that work? "Okay, I hear you." "You're right this is scary." "We're okay." "Everything's okay." "Be still." You will find something else that works for you and your inner-tyrant. If you have something now, drop it into the comments.

In this time, it's important to note that narcissism and borderline personality are thought to develop due to an injury to a three year old psyche -- or the inner-tyrant.

What do you think? What works for you?

Day Two: Self Kindness Mini-Course.

Day Two: Self Kindness Mini-Course.
I thought it might be good to talk about how to feel better when you're caught in self rage rather than explain why we have self-loathing, blah, blah, blah. In many ways, it doesn't really matter WHY we have these issues. "Whys" are important. We'll talk about them tomorrow.

If you're like me and jump to the "How" of everything. This is a good lesson for you.

Let's jump right in. Self-rage is literally a loop in the brain. Your brain is a physical organ. When we are caught in a thought, our brain is looping. The more the brain loops on a thought, the more often the brain will loop on that thought.

So what can we do?

When we catch ourselves in any loop -- self rage, anger at someone or something, obsessive thoughts, whatever your particular brain does -- all we need to do is distract ourselves.

From the off, you should know it will feel better, more familiar, more comfortable, to stay in that stinking, sinking brain loop. This is why people keep using drugs, alcohol, etc.

We continue to do self harm (and yes, self rage is self harm) because it feels good, familiar, and safe, as well as awful.

Today, I'm going to teach you a technique I used to teach to psychiatrists and medical professionals. One of the psychiatrists I taught with used to say -- "This technique distracts the brain from anything it's doing. This is why it works." The truth is that no one knows why it works. Distraction? Maybe. Chinese medicine has other answers. We simply do not know enough about the body to know why this works.

We just know that it works.

Okay, look at the photo I included. Do you see that this man is touching his face? When we feel shame, we usually touch our face. This is an automatic reaction that we aren't aware that we're doing. This is where we start.

***In time of Covid-19, please wash your hands first.****

NEED IT FAST AND EASY?
Feel self-rage? Try rubbing or tap the space under your nose. Most people feel better. This is something you can do in public (if your hands are clean).

READY TO CHANGE?
The technique I wanted to talk about is called EFT or Emotional Freedom Technique. It was invented by Gary Craig. Since his death, there's been a lot of people teaching and selling this technique.

I have personally seen people move rapidly through their issues using this technique. Sometimes, they move so fast that they terrify themselves. Be warned. I've seen it used on prison populations and cause enormous change.

The technique is easy and free. You don't need to go down the rabbit hole of expensive seminars. You can do this at home, in the bathroom, or your car. It's easy.

What is it? It involves using your finger to tap specific places on your face and torso. The idea is that stuck issues = stuck energy in the body.

I like the EFTWizard or Brad Yates , who has been posting free EFT videos on YouTube for a very long time. If you have the time or interest, poke around on his page. There's a lot there. Here's a list of my favorite videos for this issue:

Something you hate about yourself
Beating yourself up
Resistance to Loving Yourself

IF THAT'S TOO WEIRD FOR YOU:
You need to retrain your brain.
1. A lot of people use mantras or prayers to break a brain loop.
"This too shall pass."
"I am a beloved child of God."
"I am made of star dust."
"May I be filled with Loving Kindness..." (that's the loving kindness meditation.)
"I am loved. I am safe. I am free."

2. Move your body. My only caveat is that if we're truly caught in a brain loop we may spend the entire time thinking about it. Further, there's lots of self rage in a lot of workouts.

3, Distract your mind with beauty. Have you ever noticed that people who spend a lot of time in nature then not to be so angry with themselves? Nature heals. Even just looking at beautiful pictures or paintings can work. Calm.com does a great job with this. So does Google Art and Culture (https://artsandculture.google.com/) go for a walk through Petra or any of the museums. You'll feel better.

Is there something that works for you? What's a mantra or prayer that works for you? Let me know in the comments.

Tomorrow, we'll talk about that inner-tyrant.
Hopefully, this helps.

A return to kindness with a mini-course on Self-KIndness

Returning to Kindness posts:

I asked my Facebook friends if they would like me to return to posting about kindness. Overwhelmingly, people asked to see kindness again. A few people who know me well asked if I could do a little teaching about kindness. After thinking about all of their comments, I decided that I would continue the kindness posts and include mini-teaching weeks.

This week, I thought we could look at being kind to ourselves. There's a lot of conversation about "self-care" and very little conversation about self kindness.

What is the difference? Self care usually involves some kind of product -- massages or bath bombs or special wine or... Much of this is not available now that we are staying at home.

Self kindness is the conscious act of being kind to yourself; learning to cut yourself some slack.

Very simply, living a kind life begins with being kind to yourself.

Our first lesson in self kindness is simply admitting that sometimes, you get screaming, raging angry with yourself.

Everyone does this. We internalize messages from parents, teachers, and media. In order to sell us stuff, we're told over and over and over again -- by sophisticated manipulators -- that we aren't good enough. The only solution to getting good enough is to buy buy buy.

We buy and buy and still, we are left feeling angry with ourselves and feeling inadequate.

So what actually works?

Over the course of this week, I will share with you things I learned from fifteen years of working with clients and my own therapy as well as what I learned in my Master's program. These things work, if you're willing to simply admit that there's something going on inside you.

For today, I ask you to contemplate the idea that you might be really, really angry with yourself. Tomorrow, we'll talk about what to do about it.

I don't have some webinar I'm selling. I am not in this so that you can sooth your self loathing through credit card purchases. I'm here because some of you knew me well enough to ask.

Feel free to leave a comment. If it's too sensitive, send me a DM.

The empty waiting room.

I have been in this waiting room at least five or six times a year for the each of last five years.

In 25 or more visits, this waiting room has never been empty before.

The waiting room feeds into the Spine Center at UC Anschutz as well as the pain procedure clinic. It's always full.

Always.

It was full three weeks ago when I check in for my pre-surgerical visit. It was full a week and a half ago when I went to turn in the wound vacuum.

It's now two weeks post surgery and the waiting room is empty.

You see, the hospital has cancelled all "non-emergency" surgery. Now, I would not be able to get the spine surgery I had on March 3.

Honestly, I had to fight like hell to get an appointment to remove the surgical staples.

In two weeks time, Covid-19 has changed everything.

Why is this a big deal? Here's a little background.

It took me nearly a year to get a referral to Dr. Burger at the Spine Center. You see, she usually works on other people's screw ups. So cases like mine aren't her normal. But I got a referral, and I made an appointment.

Then I waited nearly three months to get an appointment to meet with her. 

We hit it off right away. We agreed on how much needed to be done on my back. We both share the aesthetic of doing as little as possible.

I waited six months after that initial meeting to have my low back fusion.

Less than a year later, they assured me that they'd fixed the scheduling problem.

I only waited two months for my "emergency" neck fusion.

This time, I was put on the surgery schedule by the PA I had been seeing, but was retiring. I waited two months to speak to the scheduler, two and a half more months to see the surgeon, and three additional months for the surgery I had at the beginning of March.

I've waited and waited and waited and waited and waited and waited.

Now, the waiting room is empty.

This week, I had a scheduled appointment with a Nurse Practitioner to get my staples out, but she was reassigned.

Who was available to take out my staples? The surgeon.

Since they are no longer doing surgeries, the surgeons and their PAs are doing patient follow up.

This viral pandemic is impacting every area of our lives. What was normal -- in this case a full waiting room -- is no longer.

I don't think that anyone knows where we'll be in a year or two.

I'm glad to still be here, sitting in the empty waiting room, waiting for my surgeon.

 

Pain! I want to live forever! (That IS how the song goes, right?)

View from my hospital room at UC Anschutz

Well, I am still here.

It's been about a week since my third back fusion. I was in the hospital until late Friday night and then returned Monday to have my wound vac (unaffectionately named "Vacula") taken out.

Today starts the long haul of healing. The tape for the wound vac flayed areas of my back. I have two incision wounds, which are surprisingly painful. That's not to mention the nerve.

"The nerve" is the nerve root to all of the nerves in my right leg or where all of this started. This is the one that held the cyst. The surgeon said that they had to peel the cyst, the bone, and scar tissue off the nerve root. She said that the nerve was inflamed and angry. She expected that it would settle down in three months.

That means that if all things "go to plan" I will have this horrible nerve pain for at least three more months. Ugh.

Mostly, it's not that bad. I have slept a lot. Once or twice a day, the pain is unbearable. I take meds and sleep.

We are watching reruns of The Great British Baking Show. We were watching the Marvel movies in order until the whole "The world is ending!!" got a little old.

I'm listening to audiobooks, non-fiction book summaries on Blinkist, and attempting to learn French on Duolingo.

I am grateful to have the space to wait out the healing. The husband is home with me to help. We assume that we've already been introduced to the novel Coronavirus or Covid-19 as it's been in Colorado for a long time. So far, outside of all of this pain and healing, we are healthy with no signs of fever or Covid symptoms.

How are you? What are you watching? reading?

Man plans, God laughs -- going on a Hermitage.

 

My dear friend, Toni Binstock, used to say -- "Man plans, God laughs."
That's probably the best description of what's going on with me.

I planned to be well! I went to nearly a thousand acupuncture appointments and many months of PT. I swam in the mornings at the new rec center. I worked on my walking and went to a coach to help me with my posture and ergonomics.

The advice I received over and over again -- "You'll get better. Try harder/come in more. The thing you don't want to do is see your surgeon again."

My trust in alternative medicine was complete and absolute. I set my will against getting more surgery.

I went to more and more acupuncture appointments. I did my PT exercises and went to more and more treatments. I got a much recommended "fix everything" massage.

The everything came to a halt. After sending In Deep to the editor I went to bed, where I've mostly been since then. I was in bed for more than a month before the husband dragged me back to the spine center.

I had a cyst in a small opening of my spine. No amount of acupuncture or PT or massage or anti-inflammatory diet would work. (I can show an image of it, but I've been informed that it's pretty gross.)

So I went to the surgeon and said: "Let's do the most conservative thing."

The most conservative time was bursting the cyst in a mind blowingly painful event of which you cannot get any pain meds or sedation for because of risk of becoming paralyzed. Now, I have a high pain tolerance -- and they had to stop the procedure because I was sobbing. When I caught my breath, they continued.

The doctor who walked me out told the husband and I that the treatment wouldn't work. I needed surgery.

"Nah," I said to the doctor and the husband. They both just gawked at me.

So, surgery. I set my will against you and... Man plans, God laughs.

I'll be having another fusion at the beginning of March. This is not as big of a surgery as I've had before. I will still be in the hospital for at least 3 days.The hope is that this will be the final surgery to repair the catastrophic injury I received from catching a kid coming off a trampoline in 1994.

I am retreating from social media and the world from March through June. We are calling it a hermitage.

I feel like I simply need the time to stare at the ceiling. To listen to the things I haven't heard in years. Watch the world shift around.

If all goes well, I'll be back on social media and in the public in July.

I am hoping to devote some time to writing on this blog. I will be available via email - but my response time will be slow.

The Everyday Kindness project and Women and Fiction will be on hold until July 2020.

They're fighting in the next room. Again.

My parents fought a lot. You probably know that my mother is a schizophrenic. She would get wound up about something that she thought happened (but hadn't).

I honestly think that she went to my father for help, but he couldn't tolerate her lack of facts. -- "How did you know they'd decided to cut you out of that project?" Simple questions asked for the sake of clarity. He was attempting to figure out what she was talking about.

As soon as he started to dispute her reality, she was screaming.

Nothing was off the table. She would say meanest, most cruel comments (usually not fact based), you could possibly imagine. 

As the argument escalated, the topic invariably shifted to the one thing they both hated -- me.

The family belief is that "everything was fine until I came along." Thus anything that was wrong had to have happened because of me.

Finally seeing something he could actually DO, my father would come after me.  Many nights, I was dragged from my bed and made to answer for whatever fantastic thing my mother had made up that I'd done. Asleep, I had no idea what they were talking about. Not a clue.

I was "spanked" by my six foot two inches, 200 pound father who was incensed by hours of impotent anger.

As this pattern continued, my father retreated into himself more and more. He stopped dragging me out of bed. Instead, they would come after me in the morning or even worse, when he'd had an entire work day to think about it. 

This started when I was about six months old (which ended in her slicing me with the knife she was going to "kill herself" with.) It became a routine when I was two or three years old. By the time I was five or six, I had an eagle ear for when they would start fighting.

The first raised voice (usually my mother's), I would creep out of bed to stand in the five inches between the door trim and the corner where the hall met the door. My little sister came to stand with me (until she realized that being on my team only caused her more grief.)

I wanted to know what my mother was saying so that I could be prepared for whatever came at me. 

If she accused me of something, I'd at least know what it was. If he was coming to "spank" me, I was awake for the assault. If they decided that I should be punished in some way, I was ready with a plan to survive it. Whatever happened, at least I would have a fighting chance of surviving it intact.

Night after night, I would stand against that door trim and listen to the insanity. My feet dug into the carpet for warmth. I shivered in the cold. 

When the argument was over, I would slip into bed before they caught me.

They never knew that I was there.

Last night, I realized that watching social media, Twitter, in particular, right now, is like standing in the hallway listening to my parents argue.

 

Deep inside, I'm experiencing these strangers arguing as I did my parents. Their arguments have nothing to do with me. 

And yet, I wait for the moment the rage is going to drag me out of bed and rain sheer hell onto me.

I don't know if I'm more sensitive because I've had these spine surgeries.

I don't know if it's some kind of "change of life" thing.

I know the last straw for me was the US Press Secretary sharing the fake video from a white supremacist site.

Just some fake made up crap is pressed out as fact.

And every reasonable, logical person blew up.

All the while, things continue to spin around lies and paranoid fantasies created by madmen.

What I know for sure is that I need to step away.

I need to find my solid ground again. 

This is a long winded way of saying that I'm going to step back from social interactions including social media.  It won't be for long. I am a social extravert.

But for now, I need to step away from the wall. Let the world fight over what is real and what is fake. 

Until then, try to be kind to each other. 

--chc