At the desk, 8:14 a.m.
Ok, I'm still sick, so bear with me. I think I was hoping Deepak Chopra would explain what I meant so I wouldn't have to. Then I saw my friend Mark's comment and realized I didn't do that great of a job. So here goes again:
To my mind, forgiveness is the same as judgment.
In order to forgive someone, I must first assign them negative intention, causality, function and purpose. I must believe that what they did was wrong. And trust me, I can take the injustice train and ride it all the way to righteous indignation island.
But when I'm in my right mind, I believe that we do the best that we can do in ever given moment. I believe life happens because it does. I don't believe in a fixed future or destiny. But I do believe in a fixed past. The past is over and cannot be changed.
Thus, to forgive someone is to judge what they did as bad or wrong. When truth be told, they did what they did because that's what they did. Their action is neither good nor bad nor indifferent. It was what made sense to them at the time.
Did it hurt me? Sure. That's the work I need to do with myself. I need to grieve, wallow even. I need to work through my pain and indignation. I need to rage, write, and feel all that I feel. I need to let the relationship die inside me so it can either be reborn or go into compost to fuel other healthier relationships.
In short, I need to learn my lessons. In time, I realize that I was blessed by the people who hurt me because they went out of their way to teach me a lesson I needed to learn.
But it's not up to me to judge (and thus forgive) another person. I'm not saying it's easy not to judge. I'm not saying I'm able to pull that off all the time. We live in a highly judgmental culture. Everything that's said or worn or done is judged. But I was not put on this planet to judge.
I was put on this planet to be the best person I know how to be. I was put here to live life to its fullest, to breathe in and out until I cannot breathe any longer.
I am here to shine my light. I am here to write stories to the best of my ability. I am here to encourage people, to remind them of their resilience, to shine a light on their strength, to bring joy.
I am not here to judge life or others. Thus I am not here to forgive or, quite possibly, be forgiven.
(The maintenance of relationships - apologizing to another for hurting them - is a whole other story. Maybe tomorrow?)