It happened again.
You're up at some godforsaken hour replaying, moment-by-moment, what was said and how you responded the last time you saw your hostile sister. What did she mean by that? Why didn't you stand up for yourself? She really: hates you, competes with you, loves you, wants you to screw up, or...
You're overthinking. Again.
The moment with your sister has passed. It's over. You cannot tell her what you "really" think.
But you really, really want to. So you loop de loop around familiar stories. You're telling yourself a story where you still have control.
You’re not up in the middle of the night because you don’t understand what happened. You’re stuck because you don’t like what happened.
Let's talk about some unique ideas around why you might be overthinking.
Overthinking isn't thinking too much. Rather, it's telling yourself the wrong story over and over again.
Starting at the beginning: What triggered you to overthink? What is the story that often triggers your overthinking?
For me, it's "I said (or did) the wrong thing or possibly I said too much."
Let's be honest here. No matter how many hours I spend rewriting what I said and what they said – I can't go back in time to fix it.
Overthinking is a kind of time travel where I can go back in time and fix something I said, which I now judge as the wrong thing or too much or stupid.
Here's the truth: I cannot go back in time and I cannot control what a person thinks.
Even if I said the "right thing," the person I'm speaking with will think what they think based on their history, experience, and prejudice.
By overthinking my last doctor's visit, for example, I am telling myself that I can go back in time, and I can control what the doctor thinks. That's the wrong story.
Your body has moved on. You hung up the phone with your mother. You left the gym. You closed your laptop on that email chain.
You are sitting in the present.
Your mind is in the past.
Overthinking is when your mind is in the past. Your mind keeps trying to rewrite a scene where you felt powerless or embarrassed.
The only way to "do better" is by accepting that the past is the past.
You can only "do better" in the future. Time to roll the tape forward.
What's going to happen when you speak with your mother again? Return to the gym? Get back on the email chain?
You can't go back and rewrite the scene.
You can only decide what happens next.
