On a Limb with Claudia

Without you and your vote, democracy dies. Please vote. Let your kindness show. #EverydayKindness

If you live in a democracy, the kindest thing you can do is vote. Why? We all need you to express your opinion about where you want your country to go. Without you and your vote, democracy dies. Please vote. Let your kindness show. #EverydayKindness

BEING KIND TO DIFFICULT PEOPLE -- You're just angry now because you have time. You'll forget all about it soon enough.

BEING KIND TO DIFFICULT PEOPLE --
You're just angry now because you have time.
You'll forget all about it soon enough.

I have heard this recently about the protestors on the streets of the world.

"Well, you know, school's out; kids need something to do." This is combined with a kind of "these kids these days" shake of the head.

An entire movement is reduced to "kids with nothing better to do."

I heard this very sentiment applied to the "Troubles" in N. Ireland. My parents and their friends said this about the hippies fighting to end the war and the civil rights movement. I heard people say this about apartheid protestors both here and in South Africa. I've heard people say this about the downing of the Berlin Wall. I've heard people say this about the violent protests against Putin.

This is something Foghorn Leghorn says in cartoons!

It is an effective way to dismiss the legitimate concerns of oppressed people.

But here's the thing --
Would England have given the Irish the right to vote if there weren't protests? Allowed parliament to reopen?
Would the wall have fallen in Berlin?
Would the Vietnam War have ended? Would the civil rights of our fellow Americans changed at all?
Would apartheid have ever come apart without the protests?
As for Putin, that nut may take time to unwind but it's only a matter of time.

Peaceful protest is the only way things have ever changed in our world. That's just a fact.

And here's another fact -- any war or protest started in anger will fail. Anger fades. This is so true that it's even a tenant in the military treatise "the Art of War" by Sun Tzu.

What do you do when you hear someone (or even your own mind) dismiss the efforts to create change?

My guess is that you'll be tempted just to smile, nod, and move away. But in order for real change to happen, these people need to get off the sidelines.

You cannot fight these people ideologically. They don't know enough to argue so will stick to basics -- "breaking the law is bad", "you know I'm right" or whatever people have said for centuries.

A good way to do it is to employ a technique that I call a "fact drive by." In this technique, you drop a fact bomb on someone and leave it alone. Let them think about it for a while. They're likely to come back to you and tell you the fact, as if they'd come up with it on their own. But what do you care? This is bigger than getting credit.

Facts that might work:
* "Peace protests are the reason we no longer have a feudal system of government."

* "Since the 1980s, police departments have been trained in military tactics to fight terrorists, not in how to diffuse domestic situations." or even

* "Police departments are asked to do everything now. They are only trained in military defensive tactics so can only bring that military action when they deal with angry children or mentally ill people or battered women or..."

* "Of course, you know that African-Americans and Latinx people aren't treated the same as white people." (This is a technique of providing someone with new information in the form of "you already know this.")

* Even better -- "You know, if you'll feel better if you stop watching so much Fox News." (I'm not sure why this one works, but I've seen it start movement away from the brain rot.)

One last thing to think about -- what are you doing to stabilize these movements? Yes, you.

How will you feel in six months when you're asked to pay more in taxes so that someone else can live a more just life? Are you supporting the leaders in your state and city who are trying to make change?

WE can stabilize this movement or we can dismiss it and let it fade. It's literally up to us.

I know where I stand. Where do you stand? Think about it. Now is the time to decide.

Being Kind to difficult people -- a mini course -- You're doing this wrong (part five)

BEING KIND TO DIFFICULT PEOPLE -- You're doing this wrong.

There's a lot of finger wagging going around right now.

"You should do this!" "You should do that." "Why aren't you out at the protests?" "Why are those kids protesting?"

"If you don't post these three words on your timeline, you're a racist." "You should read this book." "You should listen to this." "Oh, obviously, you didn't read this right."

ARGGGG!!

Now, I'm pretty used to being judged. I'm very used to not fitting in. But the finger wagging makes me want to scream.

Here's the thing: There's a lot of shame going around.

We're ashamed of doing too little or doing too much. We're ashamed of what we know. We're ashamed of what we didn't know. We can't talk about racism now because in the past we used whitening creams or dated that guy or said that stupid thing or forwarded that meme or...

A lot of people would say that we should be ashamed. After all, knowingly or unknowingly, we benefit from systematic racism..

But here's the problem -- shame stops us from acting.

No one ever did anything because they had a finger wagged at them. As soon as the "should" word comes out, people shut down.

The world doesn't need your shame. The world needs your action -- fundamental or extraordinary.

(Okay breathe. Take another breath. Let's continue.)

Here's a truth -- those who are wagging their fingers are not talking to you or about you. They are talking about themselves. They feel ashamed so they vent those feelings by judging you.

Now certainly, you can respond with a finger of your own.

Or you can kindly realize that this is a person in extraordinary pain.

By judging you, they are leaking off their own guilt, fear, and shame. Is it right? Of course not.

But it is human.

We all grow at our own pace. We've all done stupid, thoughtless things that we feel ashamed of. Venting your shame onto others is not a healthy way to grow.

We cannot change the judgers and finger waggers. We can only change ourselves. But how?

In order to move out of shame and into action, we must learn to forgive ourselves. It's okay to not know something. It's not okay to refuse to learn.

As Maya Angelou said to Oprah, "When you know better, you do better."

This can either be a time of great shame or a time of great learning. It's up to you to determine what it will be for you.

Will you stay in a state of shame and blame?
Or will you grow and learn?

The more you move out of your own shame, the more you'll be able to be kind to those who are in great pain.

Have you experienced a lot of judging and finger wagging? How do you react?

Being Kind to difficult people -- a mini course -- You have no reason to be SO angry (part four)

BEING KIND TO DIFFICULT PEOPLE - mini-course --
You have no reason to be so angry.

 

"You have no reason to be SO angry." I heard this the first time when I was in fifth grade after I caught the teacher in a lie. I angrily asked her why she lied, and she told me that I had no reason to be SO angry. When I defended my feelings -- after all she had lied -- she started in on "it's not that you're angry, it's that you're SO angry."

 

Sound familiar? If you live in the US, you are hearing a lot of this today. Clean, safe, well paid, makeup clad people with well coifed hair say a variety of: "It's not that they protest, it's that they are SO angry." All the other folks perfect hair moves as they nod in agreement.

 

"It's the antifa" which is a statement akin to saying: "It's the bogyman." You suck in a breath and want to scream: "IT'S NOT ABOUT THEM" or "THERE IS NO ANTIFA." Suddenly, you're "too angry."

 

Here's the thing -- anger is a primary emotion. We all feel it in reaction to being violated emotionally, mentally, physically, or psychically. Anger is natural. Anger is normal. Anger is appropriate. Anger is a powerful, flowing emotion that must be released or risk that anger turning into bitterness and blocking our progress.

 

Buddhist priest, Pema Chodron, says that anger is where our power and our beauty resides. People who refuse to feel their anger are cut off from their own power. The work then becomes making friends with your anger. By making friends with your own anger, you begin to embrace the very power that will move you and this nation forward.

 

Some things to think about:

 

1. No one can say that you should or shouldn't feel something. You feel what you feel based on your life experiences and temperament. Unless the person is with you, inside your body, for all of your life, they simply cannot judge the strength of your feelings. If no one can judge the strength of your emotions, how can you judge the strength of someone else's emotions?

 

2. There is no them. If "they" are angry, it's worth asking yourself why you aren't angry? No, really, if a large part of the population is angry and you aren't, it's worth asking why? Maybe this isn't your issue, but you're furious about the environment or child slavery or domestic violence or sex trafficking or...? How can you ask "them" to show up for the injustice you're angry about if you don't care about what "they" are angry about? Give it up. Join the "us." You wouldn't refuse their lung, if you needed it. Why do you refuse to see what they are angry about?

 

What to say when someone says: "They/You are just too angry."?

1. "God bless the angry. They change the world." This is actually true. People who are angry ignite change by shaking the foundations of their world. Your country was likely forged in the anger of your ancestors. Most religions start talking about "love" but are created in the rage of their participants. Rage forces change.

 

2. "Don't judge." This simple statement has tremendous power. You simply refuse to listen to it. Bam.

 

3. "Change is messy." Ever seen a baby born? There's blood and violence; near death of the mother and the child as they fight through this powerful moment. It's messy. That's where the world is right now. We are birthing a new, more equitable world.

 

4. In the words of Barack Obama: "If, going forward, we can channel our justifiable anger into peaceful, sustained, and effective action, then this moment can be a real turning point in our nation’s long journey to live up to our highest ideals." That's a little long winded. You could try "What do you think is effective action against the injustices you experience?" or "How do you think we can begin to live up to our countries highest ideas?"

 

One of the things that terrifies me the most is that we will go through all of this -- the riots, the pandemic, income equality, racial profiling, police violence, not to mention millions of Americans out of work looking at the chance that 41% of their jobs won't return -- and nothing will change.

 

When everything fell apart in 2008, most people expected the world would change toward being more equitable. Without the visible and visceral power of our rage, governments fell back on old systems and old ways to cram everything back into the box.

 

Around the world, the box has broken apart. There's no way to shove everything back inside again. The "normal" of the past is not going to return.

 

Now is the time for us to use our rage to create equality for all. It takes a lot to change the world. Some will march. Some will write letters. Some with help us dream of a better world. Some will provide resources. Some will stand up for others. We each have a roll to play. If your role is: "I don't judge their anger. How would I know?" (another good thing to say), then that's enough.

 

Has this happened to you? Have people judged your anger? What would you say?

Being Kind to difficult people -- a mini course -- Some people are going to hate you (part three)

BEING KIND TO DIFFICULT PEOPLE --
Some people are going to hate you (part three)

When I was in grad school, I was assigned a book by Dr. Brian Weiss. Dr. Weiss is a psychiatrist who "discovered" past life trauma in his patients. (Okay, stop rolling your eyes. There is a point here.)

One thing that stuck with me is that human beings interact with each other on a soul level.

In his research, he found that souls were incarnated together. In other words, adoptive parents often knew their adopted children in past lives. People who'd been married for decades often knew each other in other lives. Family groups were incarnated together or found each other. Ancient enemies knew each other upon sight.

Before you tap out here, think about it. Have you ever met someone who you didn't trust from the moment you met them? Have you met someone that you just knew and loved the moment you met them? The moment happens and "boom" -- you know this demon or angel or stupid idiot or beloved friend or...??

(As an aside, all of this was a part of Christianity before Vatican I when the mystics were kicked out, the Orthodox churches split off, and Revelations was added to the scripture. It's still a part of sects of Judaism, Islam, and Baha'i.)

SOME PEOPLE ARE GOING TO HATE YOU.
There's not one thing you can do about it. You can't make them not hate you. You can't make them see reason.

They feel the way that they feel because of their own soul damage or simple idiocy or racism or religion or... Who knows?

They hate you because they do. That's it.

What can you do?
All you can do is love them. Yes. It's hard.
But all you have to do is love them.

Decide what you'll put up with and what you won't. Set up boundaries so that this person cannot injure you. And send them love.

Will your love impact them? No. You're not loving for them. You're loving because you're a loving person. This is the work of love.

So love that ex. Love that mother-in-law. Love that step-mother. Love that person that you hate the most, not because they deserve it but because hating them will kill you (raise your blood pressure, stop your creative verve, keep you from your path, etc.)

What do you think? Is this doable? Is there a situation you've done this in?

Being Kind to difficult people -- a mini course -- Don't stand so close to me! (part two)

BEING KIND TO DIFFICULT PEOPLE - Don't stand so close to me

 

Grocery shopping in 2020 is like running a marathon. First, you get your list together. You hope and pray that the shelves will reveal such rare items as toilet paper or baking yeast. You get your mask ready and your hand sanitizer, grab your wallet, keys, purse, shoes, and head out of your house.

 

Did you clean those doorknobs? Well, better be safe and use some hand sanitizer.

 

Now, you're in the car. You drive to the grocery store and park in the lot. Should you park right next to another vehicle? What about that cart? Did that guy just sneeze? Cough? Your friend on Facebook swears by the delivery service. Did you just kill yourself and your entire family by coming here?

 

And now, you're inside the grocery store.

 

What were you going to get? Oh, right, you made a list. You take out your list and survey your environment. It's not crowded. Most people are wearing masks.

 

Sighing to yourself, you head deeper inside.

 

After all of that, I think anyone would be anxious. Each step toward the grocery store is another crank on the wheel of anxiety.

 

You're in the vegetable section with what feels like 11 billion other items to get and that guy/gal decides to reach over you to get something.

 

"DON'T STAND SO CLOSE TO ME!" you want to scream -- or maybe you do -- before realizing you're talking to one of "them." Everyone turns to look at you and...

 

Now what? Here's three things to remember and a few to try in this situation.

1. The first thing to remember is that this person is likely more anxious than you are. Sure, it's possible they didn't wear a mask because they are making a statement, but more likely they forgot -- or they don't know how to get a mask. Masks are required everywhere now, but not everyone knows how to get one.

 

2. Grocery stores are very overstimulating. Often people fall into a kind of trance. This person could have just acted on habit and not been thinking. Trying to get the hell out of there, they reached across you to get something. Yes, this is thoughtless, but my guess is that you've done it too.

 

3. Remember that rejection is deadly. The last thing you want to do is de-humanize this person. You are a kindness warrior. You want to support this persons humanity while keeping yourself safe. We are all in the same boat here.

 

Yes, but what can I DO?

1. State the facts with as little emotion as possible. "Oh hey, you're kinda close" or "Please, not on the first date" or "Excuse me, was I in your way?" Sure, this person has now threatened your life and s/he deserves your wrath, but what is it going get you? The great battle on Aisle 10? Being kind can make you a new friend or help retrieve someone from their fear turned rage.

 

2. Move away from this person. It's your job to take care of yourself. It's not the world's job to take care of you. If someone is bugging you, move away from them. If they seem to be hounding you, find an employee and get help. Yes, yes, I get that you shouldn't have to do this, but while you're standing on what should or shouldn't happen, you are not taking care of yourself. This is a time when your need to take care of yourself must supersede your "shoulds."

 

3. Look the person in the eyes for a moment, and say, "Can I help you find something?" or "Tough times right now" or introduce yourself and ask how the person is doing. Reaching over someone is not normal behavior for our modern society. Clearly, something's going on with this person.

 

One last thought, our kindness goal is simply not to dehumanize or "other" anyone. We are all one human race. All "othering" is about power and control. As kindness warriors, we refuse to "other" anyone.

 

Being kind is hard work that takes tremendous courage and lots of patience. My guess is that you can look back in your life and recognize times when someone was kind to you. These difficult situations provide us a chance to pay that kindness forward.

 

Now it's your turn. What's worked for you? What hasn't?

Being Kind to difficult people -- a mini course -- Getting started (part one)

HOW TO BE KIND TO DIFFICULT PEOPLE -- A MINI-COURSE
- getting started (part one)

One thing I'm asked, over and over again, is how to deal with difficult people while being kind. As we move forward, we all need to refresh our skills in dealing with difficult people -- even if the difficult person is you.

Grab a cup of your favorite beverage and let's get started with two simple facts:
1. Some people are difficult. There is no "best way" to deal with them. There's no way to cheer them up or help them be less angry. That's work they have to do on themselves; not work you can do on them.

The only way to be kind to these folks is to accept them as they are. Period. Can you accept that they are grumpy? Of course you can. Accepting them allows you to get on with your day.

There is a caveat here -- not everyone is safe to be around. Use care with the grumpy as they can be heavily armed and paranoid.

2. We live in a time when we're constantly determining who's "good" and who is not. Our gut response to disown/reject the difficult person. This is exactly the wrong response.

Rejection can be deadly -- to you and to the person. We'll talk a lot more about this, but I wanted to plant the seed that we need to stop rejecting people.

Okay, that's a lot to take in. If you have questions or thoughts, let's talk about it. Feel free to DM me if you need privacy.

Questions about Kindness - Isn't kindness really just being a doormat?

Let's talk about kindness. I've received a lot of questions over the last 24 hours. I thought we could spend some time talking about some of them.

Day 1 - Questions about Kindness - Isn't kindness really just being a doormat?

No. We use the term "doormat" to define someone who let's other people walk all over him or her. This is usually the outcome of being taught to be "nice" as a child.

Niceness is not Kindness.

Niceness is taught to young people as a social norm. It instructs/demands two specific things -- be passive, no matter what happens, and you are responsible for someone else's behavior. "Be nice" is usually said when someone else wants to invade another person's psychic, mental, or physical boundaries. (That's the passivity.) If someone blows up at you, it's your fault because you weren't nice enough. People who are doormats tend to be very nice people.

Kindness is something all together.

Where niceness is passive, kindness is active. It is something to DO. If we are kind, we commit kind acts like letting someone merge in or checking in on friends or shoveling your elderly neighbors snow or wearing a mask or sharing your garden bounty or simply cheering other people on.

You can be kind to someone while still maintaining the sanctity of your own boundaries. WTF? Right? This looks like:

Creepy uncle: "Give me a hug."
Niece/nephew: "I don't feel comfortable" or simply "No"; "but I will (talk to you, shake your hand, play a card game with you, etc.)" Or simply "I don't want to."

But that's not nice, right? Who is the child being kind to here? Can you guess?

The child is being kind to themselves. A kind person counts themselves into the equation.

Remember, kindness is a doing action.

You can be kind and tell someone the truth. "You drink too much." "I love you but you're driving me crazy."

You can be kind and stand up for yourself. "I don't feel comfortable with this."

You can be kind and want to murder the head of the neo-nazi group in the line ahead of you in the grocery store. Yes, this happened to me. Did I murder him? No. Did I tower over his scrawny little ass? Yes. Did I sneer at him when he was impolite to the African American clerk? Yes. Did he run out of the place? Yes. Who was I kind to -- myself, the clerk, the freakin' world.

Let's talk. What do you think? How do Kindness and Niceness get confused in your life?

Day Seven - Self Kindness mini-course

Day 7: Self-kindness mini-course
In this, our last segment of our mini-course, I wanted to talk to you about "them."

I see a lot of people eat themselves up inside with anxiety, grief, rage, and most of all guilt about "those guys" -- family members, or friends, who have slipped into the insanity of this time.

It's important that we take a moment to look at "them" so that we can find peace with ourselves.

First, indulge me in a little detour.

If you know me, you know that I love dogs, and dogs love me. I love those videos where sick dogs get help and become someone's pet. I love pet training shows. My recent obsession is Dog IMpossible (DisneyPlus), mostly because the trainer believes things I also believe.

Most mean dogs are actually terrified. They have in their heads that they are in danger all the time. They need to learn that they are safe and loved.

Back to the point -- it's been my experience that "they" are terrified. When I see "them" out there protesting I don't see defiance.

I see terror.

In my personal experience, "they" are terrified of being left out or left behind. This looks like a terror of losing power, and there's a lot of truth in that.

Not belonging is deadly in human beings. Quite literally, there are a variety of studies which show that being "othered" can literally cause a person to die.

It also can cause a lot of rage.

In this mini-course, we've learned that everyone has an inner-tyrant who is fighting to keep each of us safe.

Imagine if you will that this inner-tyrant believes that you are left out through no fault of your own. The world has changed through no fault of your own. Terrifying. So terrifying that your inner-tyrant finds the terror itself to be deadly.

The inner-tyrant decided that this horrible feeling has got to be their fault.

Remember you're dealing with the logic of a three year old.

This three year old is fed 24 hours a day with people who say: You're being left behind. These people hate you. They are wrong and you are right. <-- messages that terrifying the three year old even more.

(Many of have loved ones who have transformed into a terrified version of themselves after watching certain channels for a some time.)

WHAT CAN WE DO ABOUT IT?
When a dog is in "the red zone," he is unable to hear or think.
When a person is in "the red zone," he is unable to hear or think.

How do you snap a dog out of it?
You have to distract them to snap them out of it. You can use sound or a hose or throw a ball at them or... you're looking to distract, not injure them or yourself.

What works for a person? Again, in my experience these folks feel left out, that they don't fit in.
This is what I do:
* I say a very loud: "Hello."
* When they turn to me, I give them a big smile and say something like, "Tough times, eh?"
The point here is to distract, not to engage.

What else works? "Nice day today" or "How are you?" or something just off the wall like -- "I like that shirt."

This is a distraction that can help shift the brain.

Once you've shifted someone out of non -thinking mode, they are ready to hear what you have to say.

"It's going to be okay." "I hear you." "This is a hard time for everyone." These work.

You can't always be sure with dogs or people that they won't bite you -- literally or figuratively. So be careful.

In the end there is there is no "them" only "us."
I can hear you -- "but" "but" "but".

NO. There is no "them."
Think of it this way -- you need a kidney. Someone offers to give you theirs but s/he is one of "them."
Are you really going to refuse it?

Over the last week, we've talked about ideas and tools to help you become more kind to yourself. There are lots of links and people to look up, if you're interested. Doing this work can change your life -- truly.

Being kind to yourself can mean that you learn to be kind to the terrified and misled in our would. Your kindness might be the thing that soothes their fear. Soothing their fear may bridge their way back into your love and your life.

Kindness always starts inside.

Good luck.

Day Six - Self Kindness mini course

Day 6: Self-kindness mini-course
So, we've learned that we are angry with ourselves.

We know that our inner tyrannical voice is actually a small child that we integrated into ourselves when we were 3 years old.

We are practicing letting go/forgiving ourselves for the mistakes we make

We know that we do not see the world very clearly.

And we've learned some skills on how to deal with all of this inner mess.

HOW DOES ALL OF THIS GO TOGETHER?

Harvard psychologist Dan Gilbert, in "Stumbling on Happiness", says that we view the world based on our idea of what the world should look like.

It goes like this:
1. We don't see things very well.
2. The part of us that chooses our world view is a 3 year old part of us.
3. Because like draws like, once we've developed an idea of the world, we see only what we believe the world to be.

When you believe the world is filled with scary people, you only see scary people in the world. You will surround yourself with people who reinforce your views.

When you believe that you deserve the fortune you inherit, you will surround yourself with people who believe the same thing. Together, you will manifest your right to a massive fortune.

This is how we are made.

If you question this is how we are made, look at all those "ungrateful children." They are born into a situation. They only know that situation. How could they possibly be grateful for it? it's all they know.

Lindsi Simicich Dennis describes it like this: "When thinking about a particularly cringe-worthy memory or screw-up that comes to haunt me, I’ll ask myself what compelled me to do the stupid/immature/ignorant/irrational thing. What was missing? Was love there? Or power? Wisdom?"

This is a great example of a way to unearth these decisions made by our three year old self. (You can read the rest of her comment in Day 4.)

HOW DO WE CHANGE THESE THOUGHTS?
Three steps:
1. We must uncover what these thoughts. It's not as hard as you'd think because everyone who knows you is likely to know what they are.

If you're still clueless, it's time to read your journal or social media posts. What is the theme of your posts? Your inner beliefs are right there on display.

2. We must remove those thoughts from our psyche. This is where EFT and other power therapies (EMDR, Exposure therapy, etc.) are helpful. This work is powerful BUT use caution. You've believed these things forever. Be gentle with yourself as you shift them.

3. Only after we've removed the old thought can we add in new thoughts. I know a lot of people who believe we can practice a mantra and it will rewrite our thinking. It doesn't. It might work in the short term, but if you've ever tried to tell a three year old that they are wrong, you know exactly how this works.

What would you add in? This is a great time for mantras or ideas. You want to teach your inner-tyrant new things. Flooding him or her with ideas works well. If you're at a loss Louise Hays has an audiotape of "101 power thoughts" that's likely lingering in your library.

There is no better time to do this work than now. The world needs us to be open to new things. Very soon, we will be asked to come up with new solutions to old problems. We must let go of these old, rotten thoughts to move forward.

Good luck! I believe in you.

I'll be back tomorrow for one more lesson tomorrow!