My parents were… odd. My mother suffered from bouts of paranoia and schitzophrenia. To treat her paranoia, she drank. A lot. My father dealt with her irratic behavior by withdrawing into himself. They had no friends. They had no social life. They lived an incredibly isolated existance – the island of odd. Not knowing any better, my sisters and I believed what they said was true, factual and real.
Of course, it wasn’t.
Ten ‘facts’ I grew up with that are complete and utter bullshit.
1. Most accidents happen in parking lots : Hello? Why do they rate dangerous INTERSECTIONS instead of dangerous parking lots??
2. Bay leafs are poisonous: But of course, no one thought to either 1) not use them or 2) take them out before serving. Dinner was always like – who got the bay leaf? Whoever got the bay leaf was doomed to some horrible, but unexplained, death.
3. My mother was a gourmet cook: My brother-in-laws tell stories of my mother’s cooking. While pouring her meal down the garbage disposal, they would feed the kids. Of course, always keeping this a secret from their spouses in order to avoid the ‘my mother is a gourmet cook’ conversation. Truly, her food is uneatable.
4. Married women never wear underwear to bed: Now this is a bizarre one. I asked my mother once and she told me I’d find out when I was married. I thought there was a book that would tell me this mystery – why do married women not wear underwear to bed? When I asked my newly minted husband, he said ‘because most accidents happen in parking lots.’ 
5. People have diabetes because they are too stupid to prevent it: There’s not much I can say to this. My father told his sister that she should have known better than to get diabetes. His lack of compassion stuns me to this day.
6. Someone can ‘give’ you cancer: One of the lovely post divorce insults was “Your (mother/father) gave me cancer.” Neither explained this phenomena, nor did they provide scientific evidence. Yet they were confident this was the case. My mother use to ask people, “Who gave you this cancer?”
7. Only angry people have high blood pressure: This is a big fat mind fuck for me. I have high blood pressure because I’m genetically programmed to have it. Yes, diet and exercise help. But only to a certain extent. I’ve spent a lot of my life ashamed of my high blood pressure.
8. My chronically schitzophrenic sister always ‘knows’ what’s going on: The last conversation was about my mother’s ‘cyst on her womb.’ (My mother had a complete hysterectomy at 28 years old.) She came out of her ‘cyst on her womb’ surgery with a face lift and new size D breasts. But crazy sister says the cyst was cancer mother caught from…. (You can see how this goes.)
9. Boys only like girls who never eat: I heard over and over again, “No boy will like you because you eat.” How does that make any sense at all?
10. Every one is out to get you: If something is lost? It was stolen. If something is broken? It was done on purpose. If something doesn’t work out? Someone is intentionally doing this so that you cannot get ahead.
I guess this gives you a tiny bit of insight into my upbringing.
Thanks for reading.
I am sorry you were lied to so convincingly! But, I am more glad that you figured it out later!
I’m not convinced about the parking lot thing, though. LOL!
tm
I empathize with your experience on many levels, having gone through similar (though) different experiences.
It always amazes me to see how some parents hurt their children without any clue (or regard) to the impact of their actions.
Congratulations on figuring out (at least some of) the BS correctly.
–f
We had fun with the bay leaves in Dad’s spaghetti sauce.
No we didn’t eat, but whoever found it got extra dessert.
PS Most of my minor accidents happened in parking lots
There is a reason I now drive a car with a back up sensor.
And yet here you sit, perfectly you, perfectly imperfect, perfectly unique and loved – surrounded by people that would do anything for you and adore you despite being poisoned repeatedly by Bay Leaves, having high blood pressure, and surviving the cancers (in the form of lies) that your parents gave you.
And pssttt…accidents DO happen in parking lots; just ask my sister. Her last accident in a parking lot is now 8.5 years old
~
I want to know from your old man how you not wearing underwear to bed causes parking lot accidents. You guys have one of those tricked out vans? If so I suggest you tint the windows.
The accident that flipped me over and broke my neck the first time was caused by a driver coming out of a parking lot does that count?
I have been a diabetic (diagnosed) for 15 years…I am smarter now than I was then…can I get rid of it now?
But I have great blood pressure…mostly because I have been able to recognize bullshit when I hear it. Remember the mantra “rethefucklax, rethefucklax” it’s a Detroit Buddhist thing.
Be Well OG they can’t harm you anymore.
mark
Just remember OG that old saw about you can pick your nose but not your blood relations.
I think my favorite is the one about married women not wearing underwear to bed, even if it is in a parking lot.
My family had its mythology, too, often based in paranoia but also tending toward the Lucy telling Linus that rain falls upward variety:
1. Jews could not be alcoholics. (I figured husband # 2 just enjoyed bars every night because after all, he was Jewish.)
2. MY mother was a gourmet cook, too. (I hated everything called food until I grew up and discovered Julia Child.) Her food was not inedible, exactly, just unimaginative or unpleasant.
3. My 5’6″ father was a giant of a man. (Well…)
4. Women were stupid and also bad drivers. Girls had no value at all until they grew up, and then only if they were very pretty.
This shit makes me so angry I think my blood pressure is rising and someone is plotting to give me cancer besides. Diabetes, too. And my womb needs a face lift.
Sheet dude, I got my diabetes and high blood pressure from arguing with my parents. I should use a different term besides arguing, because you’d have thought I would be allowed to say something in an argument. Nope, hence diabetes and high blood pressure, although I refuse to catch ancer from them while they were alive. Naturally, they argued about a lot. And about that not eating thing, why did I take so many girls to eat, and they always ate. I took several of them out a lot more than once, and food was always involved. I missed the girl who said, “no thanks, I’ll just have water…”
After reading this post it is absolutely clear to me that you and I are sisters. You and Cartman were OBVIOUSLY switched at birth (and maybe by afew years.) He would fit in with your family perfectly. He and your sister could write a new set of encyclopedias filled with facts that they and only they know about.
‘Why do married women not wear underwear to bed? When I asked my newly minted husband, he said “because most accidents happen in parking lots.” ’ – LOL!!
But seriously, Claudia, thanks for sharing this part of your growing up years with us. I have a friend who always exhibited paranoia and a highly eccentric personality, but she fell into a deep funk this past Christmas, never got out of it, and went slowly mad in front of my eyes. SO disturbing – yet she was not my mother, and I was an adult when this happened.
I think I understand the parking lot thing. People act like there are no rules and drive however the heck they want. Like it’s Mexico or something.