This is a picture of my grandfather, Pierson Mitchell Hall. I almost never talk about him.? I don’t think I’ve ever written in public about him.
He was a lot of different things to a lot of different people.? In his hey day, he was one of the most powerful and influential men in California.? So much so, that when the war with Japan ended, General Mc Carther called him to, in his words, “keep the reds out of Japan”.? For the last thirty or more years of his life, he was a Federal District Court Judge.
And he was my grandfather.? No one, living or dead, knows more about this man than I do.
He left an imprint on everyone who knew him.? But he destroyed the women in his life.? He drank nine wives to an early grave.? His two children bear his mark.
I loved him. And refused to bear his stamp.? I think that’s why he liked me so much.
Why am I telling you this?
Because his oldest daughter, my Aunt Mary Ellen, died this year.? Prior to her death, I promised Aunt Mary Ellen that I would care for her life’s work – researching her father’s heritage. 
My Aunt Mary Ellen was a hoarder.? Besides the stacks of items and paper, every drawer, box, and cupboard was stuffed with: papers, stocks, jewelry, and on and on.? Five dedicated people cleaned the house for almost a month.? They rid the house of 37 dumpsters of garbage.
I was told by the trustee to retrieve letters and papers before my mother destroyed them.? I drove to Los Angeles and spent three days scanning documents and photos in a hotel room.? I slept about three hours a night.? I took breaks only to retrieve more documents or share a meal with the trustees.
Over the course of three long days, I read, and scanned, letters from Pierson to my grandmother.? I read letters where my twenty-year-old mother hurled the same insult at her mother that my family banters back and forth (selfish).? I saw my first photo of my grandmother, Gertrude.? I learned that their divorce, instigated by Gertrude, was considered to be the ‘divorce of the century’ going to the California Supreme Court a number of times before it was settled.? I learned that Gertrude was not beaten to death as my mother said.? She died of alcoholism.? I learned that my Aunt Mary Ellen was the Paris Hilton of her crowd.? Among Gertrude’s stuff, abandoned in a box for over forty years, I found two Kewpie dolls with their arms intentionally broken off.? Inside was a little sticker that said, ‘Ain’t Love Grand’.
I saw and read so much that I can barely keep my head on straight. How can so much beauty, and insanity, reside in these people?? How can so much pain just be buried in stacks of papers? How can so many generations allow their emotions to fester until they are putrid and stuck?
Overwhelmed by the toxicity of these people, I left California at 4 am and drove back to Denver.? I returned late Thursday night.
I’ve been trying to recover ever since.
And that’s where I was.
I am speechless. Sending big hugs, and lots of them.
You should know that you have created beauty and love in your own life, perhaps against all odds, and nobody can ever divest you of them. It’s an amazing accomplishment without a road map or any kind of example from your family.
Personally I doubt the beauty and insanity of your family is any different than any other family. Grander maybe because of the grander scale of them locked in. *shrug*
Honestly Claudia…that is their life, not sruoy. Interesting to them as they were and are; it has no real bearing on you, the mirror image of what they could be or could have been.
You can pick your nose, you can pick at scabs, you can pick your own garden, hell you can even pick your friends but the one thing one can not pick, is their family.
’nuff said…now back to Denver Cereal!
Oh my, Claudia! And I wanted to hear so much about your trip. I’m sorry. Sometimes it’s just better to let the history sleep. I was about three years old when my grandparents died and I never knew my father or his side of family, so it’s much easier for me not to dig in it…But I must admit that there are days when I want to know more about them and even want to find my father *sigh*
I’m glad that you did it and it’s over with. You can always write a book in your spare time (yeah, right). Fortunately, as you have already been told, you have already created a healthy life for yourself. The toxicity of their lives can’t corrupt yours
We can always talk about the bees, too! And then there’s Big D for you….
Heart in SF – Thank you for the hugs and kind words and caring. I was mostly lucky not to get the insanity gene.
TWMark – I believed that until this week when I saw the generations upon generations of pain, insanity and cruelty. Yes, I don’t think my family is special. Just mine. Gratefully, I am sane enough to make my own choices! Hurray for Denver Cereal!
Ivanhoe – It’s an odd kind of longing – both relevant and irrelevant at the same time. I wonder if you’ll feel differently when you and B have children….
CEO – YES! The marvelous bees. They are so much more interesting than the cruelty of humans.
Wow. Just wow. I knew you had done an incredible amount of work, but it sounds like along with the treasures, you also unearthed a lot of old pain.
(((HUGS))) If I had known, I would have gladly shirked my work responsibilities to go with you and help in any way I could have, even if it was just making frequent Starbucks runs!
Hugs to you Claudia. I can only hope you came back with little something to remember and cherish as well.
(((HUGS))) What an absolutely remarkable journey you have been on.
I think so many families have secrets that no one knows, lies that were passed down generations, and pain that no one can imagine.
Real beauty (and real strength) is in finding peace for yourself and finding ways to separate the good from the bad. So many people are unable to do that. Feel blessed that you can
You are a very perceptive and empathic person (I recognize it from myself) and so even if these people were strangers, this would be a difficult thing to do. But because they are family (like ‘em or not) you are probably more sensitive to it.
I hope you are able to make peace with this time in some way.
Oh wow, Claudia. This is so interesting and so very sad. I know this will change the way you think of those people in your family forever.
[...] had quite an adventure last week at my Aunt Mary Ellen’s home in California.? Aunt Mary Ellen was a hoarder.?? I thought I would share some stories I heard [...]
Go outside and take a big deep breath, look around you and soak in the beauty of where you live.
Fascinating. I kind of think its a really special gift you were given.
Thank God you’re a writer. You’ll find your way out of the crazy fog of what you’ve learned…….your thoughts and feelings will find the words……both the sorrowful ones, the joyful ones and the really absurdist ones. it just takes time and a whole lot of journalling….. You have a novel or two here and it’s always best to write what you know, right……….even if it’s difficult slogging.
go to it my beautiful friend way down in Colorado.