I’ve been having nightmares and night terrors again.
They are nothing that you would think was scary. No monsters. No horrible acts. Rarely any chasing. Usually, it’s just breathing and blood. Last night, it was white golf pants with their familiar white belt.
I’m so used to the nightmares that I rarely wake up. With a racing heart, I sleep through them like a visit from an old friend. I wake, dripping in sweat, only if D. wakes me or if the alarm goes off.
Then I spend the day in a kind of nightmare hangover – exhausted but too frightened to go to bed again. Not sleeping only makes it worse.
The beta blockers help but only if I know I’m agitated and can take them when I go to bed. They won’t help tonight.
There’s no comfort for me. Only reprieve and remission until the nightmares return like they have for the last 42 years.
Why am I telling you this?
Because I live with complex PTSD and have since I was a very small child. The media makes PTSD folks out to be complete wackos. There’s so much misinformation that I get tempted to write volumes on the topic. It’s my professional expertise, and my personal experience.
Yes, I’ve been to therapy. Yes, I’ve had every treatment known to human kind. And I, like most PTSD patients, lied to my treatment professionals and said my PTSD was gone.
Turns out that’s biologically impossible. There’s only reprieve and remission.
I suffer a natural, logical consequences of some super shitty experiences. Does that make me crazy?
Don’t be stupid.
This is my life.
This is a part of me like my brown eyes or the cleft in my chin.
But tonight?
I only wish I could sleep.
I’m so sorry to hear this. I have always believed that PTSD is with us forever, just less in evidence sometimes than others. There is no “cure.”
Do you know the source of these night terrors, or did the events happen when you were so young that you have no conscious memory of them? Also, does it really make any difference?
Nothing that has happened to us is ever lost, but we develop
protective amnesia about some events until we are able to deal with them safely.
Your nightmares could be your soul wrestling with bringing them to the surface or not.
I hate that you suffer in this way, and I do wish you healthful, healing and undisturbed sleep.
You can always call me and talk about it. I won’t pretend that I can do anything about it, but I do suffer from graduate student a.k.a. Superman syndrome where you take on any problem believing that you can solve it if you work on it hard enough. Or, if you can solve it by yourself, go ahead. Or, you could have Hearts work a miracle, and I never sell Hearts short……
damn, she was writing while I was. She probably types with all ten fingers too. Damn she’s good. Listen to her Claudia.
Claudia, omigosh, I am so sorry to hear about this. I had no idea. Nightmares and night terrors are worse than insomnia, aren’t they? Are there any types of sleep aids that suppress dreams that you could take? Sometimes these things happen to us, and no amount of therapy or medication will make them go away. And as Hearts says, perhaps it doesn’t make any difference what caused them.
My brother suffered from night terrors every night when he was a child. It happened every night and it lasted for years. No one tried to help him. He still can’t talk about it without crying, and he’s an adult now.
I will say a little prayer that perhaps the nightmares will stay away from you tonight.
I’m so sorry. Like the others, I wish I could do something to help, especially as it seems like a vicious circle in which the exhaustion and nightmares and night terrors just feed off of each other.
I wish you peace in your sleep.
Heart in SF – I know some of what happened and don’t want to know the rest. The most recent research says that the brain sets into PTSD symptoms. Thus in times of strain or worry, the brain resets into that state. Thus, it’s a stressful time and the nightmares return. It’s life and goes away when things calm down. Thank you for caring.
The CEO – I’m not sure there’s much to solve – only to survive at this point. It’s mostly not that bad, then sometimes it sucks. Thank you for your kind words and offers to assist.
Josie – Night terrors are yucky. Beta Blockers help but only if you can catch it early enough. They are banned by our lovely president for the treatment of PTSD. The drug seems to coat the ends of neurons so the pattern doesn’t set in. Alcohol also works, but the rebound is two fold. I am sorry for your brother. I’m pretty used to it by now. Thank you for your thoughts and wishes!
Claudia – It’s a weird cycle that does pass with time. Thank you for your kind wishes and offers of help.
I do hope you get some decent sleep soon. I can’t even begin to know what you must be feeling.
Tommie – I bet you know a bunch of people who have the same thing. It’s just life – and life is so worth living… I guess this is my toddler in the bed??
Dude. First of all, how old are you
Not sure if I know. ha. Second, OMG. I have PTSD and nightmares too – Lordie. That’s just plain weird. Mine are halucinations of something getting me, I think I’m awake and can see whatever it is reaching out to take me — I’m dying. My body goes numb; sometimes I cry. I so relate to it all. Don’t want to go to sleep – scared. Even now I’m blogging, ’cause I just can’t do it. Hoping I can just pass out and have a better night.
And, you’re not in my scrolly box ’cause I haven’t adjusted my blogrolls – you’re in the “writer friends” blogroll which causes me to forget to include you in a post scroll – since it’s copy and past; albeit, I thought I finally put you in both, but guess not
*scratching my head* I’m sure I commented on a post asking you to play knowing you’re one of my friends…get it? got it….. good.
Claudia…I’m fairly new to this blog world. Jill got me started with this and speaks highly of you so I thought I’d check out your blog. I’m so sorry to hear of your night terrors. That must be awful! I do hope you can get some help with that. Hang in there, sweetie!
I’m sorry you have to go thru this but glad you recognize it for what it is and work through it. I suffer from it also (from 9/11)and altho I don’t get night terrors, I get semi panic attacks when things get a little stressful. So as you can imagine I’ve had lots of them these past few months. I’ve been to therepy and didn’t lie lol. I’ve got tons of books on the subject too. It helps to share it tho. Thanks!
Peace
I am so sorry that you are going through this. I wish you the peace that only God can give.
Chuck – I’ve heard this before something getting you or falling on you. Amazing. I’ve heard said that these are little pieces of memory. Doesn’t help much in the middle of the night, eh? Thanks for sharing your experience and caring.
Jan – Thanks for your kind words.
Odat – I bet the last months have been super hard. As always you are an inspiration! Thanks for sharing your experience and caring.
Squirrelly – I think God gave me this too!
It’s the pendulum to God given peace, I think. Thank you for caring.
My dear claudia,
Let me just say I’m sorry you are going through a hard time. (((((gentle hugs)))))
I was DXD’d with PTSD years ago, like you say, sometimes we think it’s gone and sometimes it pops back and it’s haunting for few hours/days or weeks.
A good friend of mine told me the last time it came back “It’s OK to have flashs and that you or your body remembers XYZ” . Don’t fight it, stay strong. We’re there for you.
I’m telling you the same, I’m there for you if you ever wanna talk or chat in the middle of the night.
Like you, I’ve been in therapy, have done every treatment possible. My life is well and I’m happy but the freaking PTSD will always be there in some ways. It is part of ME.
Gentle hugs and much love
XXX
Claudia….I’m so sorry you live with PTSD. Though I only know what I’ve read and heard from some clients, I can only imagine………… know that there is always someone in blogland up and awake for you to reachout to……..given all the time zones etc. My sleep habits absolutely suck, so chances are, I’m awake in the middle of your nighttime…….
anytime…….drop me a line………
dana
No Nonsense Girl – Thank you for sharing your experience. It’s amazing how many really great people are “crazy” like me!
Awareness – I do love blogland – and the internet. Thank you for your kind wishes and thoughts.
I have nightmares, but I always wake up. I’m not sure if I’d want to be able to sleep through them.
Claudia: It’s just that we can be “crazy” and still be well adjusted and functioning members of society. This doesn’t make me less intelligent and strong that anyone else. I sometimes think maybe my PTSD is showing through my eyes or something but nope. Very intimate friends are aware of this and they wouldn’t have known because well, they don’t sleep with me. Ha Ha Ha But still, most people think PTSD is cure within a year of the event but it’s a lifelong battle.
I have realized that it’s good for me to talk about specific things as they happen instead of trying to bury them.
Gentle hugs
I am so sorry to hear this! I hope you get some good sleep soon. My sister suffers from PTSD, and it breaks my heart.
I hope you get peaceful sleep soon. hugs.
Didn’t know about the PTSD. Sorry to hear about it. It certainly puts the few sleepless nights I spend after a long trip to shame.
Miss Britt – With practice, all things are possible. Are you saying you don’t want to have lots of nightmare experience?
Thank you for you kindness.
No Nonsense girl – I’ve found that by focusing on the issue, the issue becomes bigger than before, more horrible. I recently read a study where the psychologist told patients to forget their trauma – and you know what? They did better. To each his/her own – what’s important is to find what works.
Wonderful Kelly – I’m sorry about your sister. That’s hard. Sleep will come when it’s time – but thank you for your kindness.
BroLo – You have so much on your mind, I’m not sure it’s different. So much travel, so many souls.
Claudia:
I mean when I get many episode of night terrors or Flashback, it helps to tell someone “Hey, I’m having a hard time with this and that”. Just to tell someone relieves the pressure of the trauma I guess.
I don’t need no more therapy or intensive talk about this, no way, it wouldn’t help.
I agree that it helps to “forget” about the trauma, not dwell constantly.
(does it make any sense)
No Nonsense Girl – To me? You make perfect sense!
try this before you sleep, on your back, belly breathing (inhale and your belly goes out, exhale and the belly goes in) then, with your eyes closed move your eyes to the compass/clock directions while you breathe, inhaling and moving away from the center, exhale move back to the center.
What you’ll be doing is quieting your mind, the act of focusing on breathing and moving your eyes will help.
Try five minutes of this every night to get into a better relaxation state.
Trust that you can be the master of your dreams….
Claudia:
I’m glad it does to you (at least to someone else than me)