Thursday Thirteen: Lessons from R& B

Just to shake things up, I added a little R & B to my Pandora Radio Quick Mix. Holy Crap. It’s like a whole new world. Ever your investigative reporter, I wanted to share some of what I learned.

Thursday Thirteen #6, girl.

1. Freakum dress, girl. So it turns out that “every girl” has a freakum dress. Who knew? It turns out I need a dress that says “f-me” all over it to keep my man in line. My question is: what do I do with the men who line up behind him??

(I’m going to assume that you are laughing WITH me….)

2. Come get me. I practiced this one in the mirror. Yeah. I couldn’t pull it off without laughing my ass off. I’ll keep trying.

3. Joe will make your panties drop, girl. Ever wonder how to set the mood? Check this guy out. Great quote? “Foreplay makes things a little easier later.” Yeah. (If you have some time, check out his video stream. But do it at your own risk. He’ll, er, rev your engine.)

4. Bad Boy, girl. To me, this is a recrimination from a parent to a child. Turns out, in R&B? It’s an entire record company.

5. Shawty, girl. If someone called me shorty? I’d be pissed off. I’m 5’10″. Who are you calling SHORT?? Whoops. A shawty is a fine woman or someone’s girlfriend. So when Rihanna asks Sean Paul if she can be his shawty, she’s not talking about how short she is. They are BOTH short, but she’s the shawty, girl.

6. Sex you, girl. It turns out that this is what a man says to a woman when he’s interested. Of course, if someone said this to me, I’d wonder what the hell they were talking about? What do you mean you want to sex me? It sounds like a horney pug humping my leg. But that’s just me.

7. Touch your toes, girl. I think “touch your toes” means this:

In R &B? They mean this:

Yikes! Don’t fall over!

8. “Smooth as a mother, girl.” I’m not quite sure what this means, but I know it has nothing to do with mothers.

9. Usher is fine, girl. Gosh. Some men only get more handsome with time.

10. Smack that, girl. Having seen the underside of my father’s hand more than a few times, I simply cannot fathom this. BUT, it turns out that some men and women have little “smack-fests” where they slap at each other – behinds, faces, whatever. Boy that sounds fun.

11. Dawg, girl. Once again, I’m way off base.

Dog:

Wrong again. Dawg is what you call a friend. No not a canine friend, a human friend or buddy. It’s like calling someone “dude”. I think.

12. Diamonds should be worn in: your ears, your nose, your belly button, teeth…

13. These people have sex! In North America, the average couple has sex around once a week. Single people tend to have more partners, but still have sex around once a week.

Not so in R & B land. These folks have sex all the time!

Sheez. Maybe we should move there!

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